Posts Tagged ‘Nappy Boy

10
Jun
09

Five Better Uses for T-Pain’s “Big Ass Chain” Money

T-Pain

In these trying economic times, it’s important to spend your disposable income crumbs wisely. Apparently, rappa-turnt-robot-turnt-sanga T-Pain didn’t get the memo that there’s a global recession taking place because he went out and spent $410,000 on a 10-pound, 200-karat “Big Ass Chain” to flaunt at Hot 97’s Summer Jam this past Sunday. 

Yes, you read that correctly. “Teddy PenderAss” paid more than what most people’s homes are worth on one piece of jewelry. One! If you felt like having an SNL-type “Really?!” moment after reading that, you’re not alone. 

Granted, it’s easy to criticize folks with enough money to do this by saying what we “would do” in their situation. But this? This is taking materialism to another plane of existence that I can’t even fathom. I know he says his family is fine, but that doesn’t justify spending this type of money when regular folks are struggling to make ends meet. It’s like spitting in the face of every blue-collar worker in America. It’s ignorance at its worst.

So, of course you’re wondering “what would Dom have done if he was Nappy Boy’s financial advisor?” Let me show you five more constructive uses for the moola he dropped on that solitary piece of metal:

Diversify Yo' Bonds

1. Diversify Yo’ Bonds!

While the price of commodities and diamonds in particular have remained relatively flat this year, US government bonds are down over 6% and haven’t shown an annual decline in around a decade. Seems like a good time to invest, no? C’mon, it’s patriotic to loan money the government AND Teddy would see a nice return. Unless, of course, America’s credit is fucked because we’ve got a black guy in office. I keed, I keed.

Douchebags

2. Take Care of Heidi & Spencer

This will be the first and last time I mention these media whores on my site. No, I do not mean he should hire an executioner. My idea is this: Pay to fly the Pratts back to their enchanted Mexican getaway, equip their resort with a microwave and Ellio’s pizza, and build a dome around it that is impenetrable by douche-baggery. That oughta do the trick.

Skrippin'

3. Improve Unemployment

How, you ask? Since he loves them so much, T-Peezy could have hired four unemployed skrippers for 6-figures each to accompany him as his personal entourage. Not only will this improve the country’s employment numbers, but the ladies would be much more attractive to the eye than that horrid pendant.

Space

4. Go on a Space Adventure

Tell me you’d rather have a chain than fulfill a childhood dream of being an astronaut, and I’d say you’re crazy. Space Adventures Ltd sponsors suborbital space flights for 102,000 bucks a pop. Say he sacrifices and hires only 2 strippers, then he can still take along a friend for his intergalactic quest.

Sponsor Me

5.  Sponsor Over 13,000 Children

By my calculations, at $30 per month, T-Pain could have sponsored exactly 13,366.67 children through FeedtheChildren.org which provides food and education materials for deprived youth. Plus, he’d get a tax deduction for a charitable donation. I really wish I had a good joke, but this isn’t a laughing matter. It’s just sad.





Corleone, Hold the Throne

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